THE MIRACLE DIET...

We’re all looking for a miracle diet to come along that will guarantee that we will be able to fit into the bikini we wore in high school. Well, search no more. It has been found and I believe it might work. I got the bikini out and have high hopes that by next summer it will fit my butt and waist and not my knee and thigh.

It next big thing that I’m about to tell you about is called the Toddler Miracle Diet and once you read it you will agree with me that it just might work. Drag out the bikini and that cute little pair of jeans with the butterflies embroidered on the hip pocket. You will fit into them in no time.

The formula is simple, available to everyone and has no pills so there are no side effects. If you take high blood pressure medicine, blood thinners or any kind of medication, no worries because this diet will not interfere with any of them.

Follow the simple diet and you will have the energy of a toddler. They can go 48 hours on a thirty minute nap and run everywhere without losing a bit of their breath. In no time that bikini will fit you!

Day One:

Breakfast: One scrambled egg. One piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of your egg using your fingers and dump the rest on the floor. Take one bit of your bread and smear the jelly all over your face and hands.

(I’m told this is instant energy)

Lunch: Four crayons (any color…they all taste about the same) a handful of potato chips and a glass of milk. Three sips of the milk and spill the rest but you can eat all of the potato chips.

Dinner: Two French fries, a penny and two nickels, 4 sips of punch flavored juice in a squeeze box and then flatten the box with your fist making red rain fall on your head.

Bedtime Snack: Throw an open face peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the floor. Practice until you can get it to land upside down every time. It’s good for the upper arm muscles.

Day Two:

Breakfast: Pick up the toast from yesterday and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or the same amount in ounces of food coloring.

Lunch: Half a tube of Pulsating Pink lipstick from under the bathroom cabinet and a hand full of dog chow (any brand or flavor is fine). One ice cube if desired.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust into your nostril as high as you can force it. (Either side works fine). Pour grape flavored Kool-Aid over a pile of mashed potatoes and eat with your thumbs.

Bedtime snack: Lick an all day sucker until it is sticky, take it outside and drop it in the dirt. Roll it around six times and then retrieve it and continue licking it until it is clean. Bring it inside and drop it on the new carpet.

Day Three:

Breakfast: Two pancakes with extra syrup. Eat one with your fingers and rub the excess syrup into your hair. Drink half a glass of milk and then sink the other pancake into the glass and dig it out with your fingers to eat.

Morning snack: Pick up yesterday’s lollipop from the carpet, lick off the fuzz and put it on the cushion of the best chair in the house.

Lunch: Three small Tinker Toys. Chew well until they can be swallowed with only a sip of flat soda pop from a can that you retrieve from the garbage can. Pour a glass of milk all out onto the table and see how much you are able to lick up before any of it falls on the floor.

Dinner: One scoop of ice cream. (Scream and throw a hissy if it’s not chocolate because that gives you a cardiac workout). One glass of red punch which you will attempt to snort through your nose when you laugh.

Final Day:

Breakfast: One quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor or brand but I particularly liked the whitening mint variety), a bite of soap (bitten right off whatever bar is lying on the edge of the bathtub) and an olive which you will chew six times and then spit in the trash can. Pour half a cup of sugar over a bowl of cereal and cover it with milk. Once the cereal is soggy set the bowl on the floor for the dog. But remember to grab it away from the mutt before he laps up the last of it and eat the sugar from the bottom of the bowl. (With your fingers. Spoons ruin the effect of the diet)

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs from the kitchen floor and the living room carpet. The best ones hide behind the table legs and in under the coffee table.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti on the back of the dog and insert meatballs into his ears. Do not retrieve either to eat no matter how hungry you are. Instead dump butterscotch pudding into a cup of lukewarm hot chocolate and suck it up through a straw.

If you have not reached your goal when the final day is done, you can start all over. Good luck!