The Mama Brain

A diagram of the brain and all the chambers was the featured article in a recent magazine. One part dealt with motor skills, one with what hand used to write, etc. The whole thing was cut and dried. It was quite evident that the brain they’d taken the photo of belonged to someone of the male gender.

No one can tell me that a female brain would look like that, or that when a person is born their brain stays the same forevermore, amen. Boy babies may have brains that are departmentalized according to the scientific approach. Girl babies are born with brains departmentalized according to fashion, money and beauty. At least until they become a mother.

Boy brains probably just grow up to be men brains and stay the same. I have heard that the only difference in boys and men is the price of their toys. Most likely that is living proof that they indeed are born with unchangeable brains.

Girl brains grow up to be mother brains and once they have re-shifted everything to fit a mother’s mode it stays that way all the way through eternity. It’s written in stone and can never be altered.

Mother brains have seven distinct areas. Each one plays a big part in controlling the thought process which in turn makes a mother say the things she does to her children.

The first one is the nurturing cortex. It’s the part that creates that stuff called tough love. It’s the part of the brain that controls the mouth when it says, “I love you but I’m worried about your attitude,” or “I’m not everyone else’s parents. I’m an overprotective mother who says the answer is no, you cannot stay out until two a.m. so suck it up and forget it.”

The second one is the sweater/jacket temperature gauge. It lays just behind the eyes in the brain scheme and lets mothers know from just looking outside whether the child can go off to school with a sweater or if the little darling needs a jacket. It’s the part that makes us say, “Okay, put on your coat. I don’t care if Freddy won’t see your new dress. Frankly I don’t care if Freddy breaks up with you because you are wearing a coat. And tell him the next time he comes sniffing around here to put his hat on right. If your dad sees him with his hat on backwards, Freddy is history.”

The third one is the fib sensor, also known as the part that produces eyes in the back of a mother’s head. That area is what makes us say, “You tell another fib and I’ll put a knot on your head so high you’ll have to borrow the neighbor’s six foot ladder just to scratch it.” Or, “One more little white lie, kid, and I’ll kick you into the middle of next week.” Or, the best one yet, “I know when you are lying. The tip of your nose and your eyebrows turn orange.” (Trust me, they’ll either roll their eyes up to check the eyebrows or cross them to see about the nose!)

The fourth one is the lost object detector gland. “Do I know where you shoes are? Of course I know where they are. Under your bed where something died and is going back to dust. Dig down at least six inches to find the ones with the platform heels.”

The fifth one is the bargain finder. It’s right in the middle of the brain. It hones in on a sale and gives us strength to endure the hassles to find just the right red shirt for our child to wear to the all-school talent contest.

The sixth one is the guilt developing center. “You’ll be sorry when I’m gone.” Or, “What did I do to get such ungrateful children. I surely would have never talked to my mother like that.” Or even, “Look it up in your birth contract. You are the child. I am the mother. That gives me nagging rights until I’m dead. I will leave those rights to you in my will if you haven’t gotten your guilt center developed by then.”

The last and biggest portion of a mother’s brain is devoted to the worrying gland. “Who are you going with? Do I know them? Has their parents lived in Murray County since the sixth day of creation? Call me when you get there so I’ll know you are all right.”

Brains. They can’t tell me they’re all alike!