Y'all come on in!

Y'all come on in!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Let's go camping...


It is definitely vacation time. In spite of the fact that gasoline rivals the price of pure gold the RV’s, campers and tents are popping up everywhere. Seems like lots of folks like to camp out on their vacations, get away from the city life, go back to nature and fight the mosquitoes instead of the alarm clocks. Add sunburn instead of deadlines and chiggers rather than traffic jams and you’ve got the perfect vacation, right?

There are several rules for folks who camp out. I didn’t pass the first one so I don’t have to go on those kinds of vacations. Mr. B wouldn’t think of letting me get near an open fire with intentions of cooking or sleep in a tent. He'd have to mortgage our little piece of dirt, both tom cats, half the grandkids and all his woodworking equipment to pay the hospital bills for burns and/or botulism. So instead we go to Florida, stay in a condo and live like beach bums in the winter time and call it a vacation.

But for those of you who are campers, here's a few helpful hints:

  1. This is not a hint. It is a rule. (This is the one I flunked). Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other side, do not go near a campground alone and do not attempt to build a fire. If you pass the flashlight test and think you’d like to camp out for a week or a month then you should read the rest of the hints before you pitch your tent.
  2. Hints begin with this one: When using a public campground, a tuba placed on the center of your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side of you free from noisy occupants. This is a good rule to know if you want to get a good night’s sleep because some folks do not turn in at 9:00 p.m.
  3. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your toes warm if you are camping in the mountains where the nights can get colder than a well digger’s belt buckle in Alaska. If you can’t find a rock, a nice steamy enchilada will do almost as well, but the cheese will stick between your toes. Sometimes bears can smell cheese from a mile away.
  4. Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter if kindling is hard to find. If even a tiny beam of light found its way from one ear to the other please read the following warning: Remove lint from navel and lay it on the wood pile before setting it on fire.
  5. You will never be lost if you always remember that moss grows on the north side of any object. Or if your nose is good enough to smell the nearest hamburger joint, then follow the smell of raw onions. You can bet the cell phone service will be good in a burger joint so call your mama and ask her to send help. Mamas can always be depended upon but you can expect a lecture when you get home no matter how old you are. The first words will be, "I told you so."
  6. Always wear a long sleeved shirt. It helps to keep mosquitoes from feasting upon the flesh on your forearms. It also keeps the green briars from shredding your arms into little strips and the sun from frying you into a piece of well-done arm roast. If you have allergies, it can be used to wipe your nose on.
  7. A two man up tent does not include two men or a pup. It really means that two people sleep inside the tent but only if neither of them is over five feet tall and weighs no more than one hundred and twenty five pounds. Or one man and one pup can sleep in the tent if the man is less than five feet tall and the pup is kin to the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
  8. A  potato baked in the coals for one hour makes a nice side dish. A potato baked in the live coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. A potato baked in the live coals for four hours will be classified as a dangerous weapon if found on your person by the park ranger and can draw you about two years of picking up trash every Saturday for two years.
  9. The guitar of a noisy teenager at the next campsite (this is when you do not follow Rule Two) makes excellent kindling and you don’t have to worry about digging out belly button lint to get the fire started.
  10. In emergency situations—like when the hamburger joint is closed and you can’t find any moss and your cell phone battery is stone cold dead—you can survive by shooting small game with a sling shot made from a forked stick and the elastic from your under britches.
  11. You can always get even with that pesky bear that raided your campground and ate all your potato chips and peanut butter cookies by kicking his favorite stump and eating all his ants. They aren’t so bad if you dip them in French Onion Dip.

Now you have the single rule and the hints. Have a wonderful campout and enjoy getting back to nature. At the end of the week, you can go home, sleep in a comfortable bed in air conditioned comfort, not even think about cell phone service, and start planning your next camping trip!

23 comments:

  1. Already have won , so this is just a comment, do not enter me again. Watch for bison when you go out the tent at night in Yellowstone for nature call. And we put Mattie in the middle whenever we tent camped and there were bears, so if one reached thru the tent it would get us first. The first few times we camped in bear country...I spent my nights awake and terrified...lol.

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    1. Lisa, you are so sweet. BUT all the names go into the pot for the Grand Prize and for the First Prize so you might win again!

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  2. We love to camp. Was not aware of all of those rules but will now take them to heart. We do tent camping in the Spring and Fall and RV camping in the Summer and Winter.

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    1. We are truly boiled peanuts and agree on this one, darlin'!

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  5. I really hate camping. When I was younger I went camping with my kids but there is no way I would go now. My idea of roughing it is a hotel without a restaurant.

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    1. Yes, ma'am, that's my idea of roughing it, too!

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  6. Dang your good! My parents use to drag me to a campground every weekend in the summer. I hated it. When I got married , my hubby bought a boat and a two tents. One for us and the other for the kids. Never worked that way though. Kids got scared and came to our tent. Later On we bought a camper. So we then had to drive two vehicles, one for the half and one for the camper. Along with that, all my kids friends that could fit in both vehicles. Guess what kids, the kids would t sleep in the tent so they all sound up in the small camper with us piled in the floors. It was like walking across a land mine just to get coffee. The only thing good that came out of my hubby becoming allergic to anything that stings is I don't have to go camping anymore.

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    1. Sorry for the typos, I didn't have my glass on while at the barn feeding the horses. I'm sure you get the point

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    2. I understood everything! And bless your heart. You are a wonderful mother to do all that!!

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  7. My idea of a vacation is definitely not camping. I need air conditioning, running water (especially a toilet!) and someone besides me preparing the food.

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    1. You got it! That's a wonderful vacation!

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  8. Never been camping...doesn't appeal to me. That might change as my son gets older and if he wants to experience camping.

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    1. Went a couple of times when I was young but it didn't even appeal to me then. I kept waking up every ten minutes and checking to be sure no skunks or bears or worse yet, snakes or mountain lions were coming toward the camp fire!

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  9. Never been camping,but who knows for the future :)

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    1. It's not on my bucket list for anytime in the future!

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  10. Camping- that's when you sleep in the car for a few hours at a rest stop because all the hotels you passed were either closed or filled up. And since you're not far from the destination and so tired toothpicks for your eyes wouldn't help, you just need to stop. That is camping, right? If not, that's the closest I'll ever get. ;-)

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  11. My best friend and I were both single Mom, after both our husband decided that it wasn't fun any more and left! Dianne and I met when her son was 5 and my daughter was 3 and we moved into the same apartment building. Well the first summer we were friend we decided to take out kids and go camping. 2 kids and 2 young Mom who knew nothing about putting a tent up or making a fire or anything. We borrow the tent, the screen house and a grill, and a cooler, let the kids decide on the menu for the weekend and off we went. Lucky for us, Dianne brother came out and put the screen house up for us, but we wanted to show him we could do it ourselves and told him we would put the tent up. I wont tell you how many hours it took us to put the tent up, you would be ROTFL. And neither one of us had ever used a grill either, God was good he kept us from burning the state forest down! But we had a blast! We swan, we took paddle boat out, we told ghost stories, the kids came home dirty as dirty as could be, but we all lived, had a good time, and went back many, many more time, before our kids became teenager and didn't want to go any more. Now my idea of camping is staying in a motel instead of a hotel! LOL! Thank you Miss Carolyn for bringing these good memories back to me. I had almost forgotten about them.

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  12. I loved camping as a kid, but have never done it as an adult and certainly never intend to do so purposefully again! I can't imagine sleeping in a sleeping bag on the ground with my arthritis! Pretty sure I'd never be able to stand up again! :) But for those who enjoy it, more power to 'em! Give me nice room, good food prepared by someone else, and maid service! :) Now that's a vacation!

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