SURVIVOR!!

How many of y’all watch survivor? I never have but some of my addicted friends talk about it. And I know there’s a lot of money involved for the winner and most of the time it involves danger, water, sweat and sometimes wild animals.

In my humble opinion, the whole thing needs to be reevaluated now that there’s been those who’ve proven they can survive the elements. That’s all well and good. I wouldn’t want to attempt living on coconuts and canned beans. Or living in a hut made of native grass and weeds. No doubt about it, I’d find some nice poison ivy to roof my hut with and my first million bucks would be spent on anti-itch creams.

I have an idea that would guarantee gold results for the television rating folks. It’s a series in which only men can apply and the reward is not a million dollars at the end of the series.

It goes like this:

On day one, six men will be dropped on a desert island at the first of the school year. They will each have a van and four kids assigned to them for the next six weeks.

Each child will be required to go to school every day and also to play two sports at a minimum, take music and/or dance classes. The man will be responsible for getting them to and from school, practice and lessons. He must juggle the schedules so that no one is late at any time.

There is no access to fast food on the island. There are no frozen pizzas or TV dinners in the refrigerator. The groceries are already in the house and include fresh fruits and vegetables which must be cleaned as well as cooked. Spaghetti is acceptable. The recipe for sauce made from scratch is on page 48 of the new survivor cookbook.

Each man must take care of his four kids, keep his assigned house spotless, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook and do the laundry.

The man will have access to television when the kids are asleep and all his chores are done. There is only one television allowed in each house and no remote control. He will maintain his perfect composure when there is a four way war over whether to watch Sponge Bob or MTV. He will not pull his hair out, wail or grind his teeth.

All of the men must shave their legs, underarms, and wear panty hose and makeup daily ... which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches in the morning. At no time are they allowed to monopolize the only bathroom in the house by using the mirror to put on their makeup.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings and are not allowed to snore in the back row. Each of the six men will serve on a PTA committee which will involve at least one fund raiser.

They must clean up after their sick children at 3 a.m., and still have oatmeal and toast cut from a loaf of bread made from scratch on the table at 6 a.m. The recipe for the bread is on page 22 of the survivor cookbook. Directions for making oatmeal is on the back of the box.

They must be able to make an Indian tent model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker for the Boy Scout in their family. They must go on the Boy Scout weekend backyard campout and take the other three children with them, because there are no baby-sitters on the island.

There will be one final test at the end of the six week segment. It will be which of the two surviving men can persuade their six month old baby to eat a whole jar of pureed green peas. They must not gag at any time.

And the winner is ... the last sane contestant.

And the winner wins ... the right to go back to his regular job!