Housework should be listed amongst the one hundred dirtiest words to ever come out of a person’s mouth. It should never be said out loud but whispered behind the hand and with the eyes shifting around the room, making sure no one has heard such foul language. If you’ll notice even those thick romance books that have hot and heavy scenes in them that would fry the brain never use such a word. Women would ban the book, burn it in the middle of the town square and gather in groves to march upon the White House if a self-respecting romance author used that word in her books. It’s so bad even censors wouldn’t think of giving it a movie rating. It’s just plain not acceptable to mention it.
Since it is a questionable word, I do declare that it should be unlawful to utter. And furthermore, seeing as how it is a controversial activity we should avoid it if at all possible. Not wanting to bring down the wrath upon my head for sinning, I’ve adopted a writ of proclamation to each and every one who enters my front door.
Be it hereby understood that:
The sofa is early attic. The chair is redneck garage sale and that chest in the corner is a Goodwill reject. They are as comfortable as they are mismatched and dusty. Rest assured Martha Stewart never ever lived in this house.
My house was clean last week. I’m so sorry you missed it. You see, I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. Tomorrow may be the other day also. Yesterday was. And please know that it is alright to touch the dust on the shelves. Feel free to express yourself artistically anyway you so desire. However, if you date it, you will be ushered to the front door promptly. You may go on down the street to the house with the cute little lattice work arbor. They read all those fancy magazines about decorating and cooking and then they apply the knowledge. I read them in the doctor's office but just thinking of dusting all that "stuff" gives me hives.
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home ... adjust! It doesn’t matter if your friend’s grandma makes cookies every day and you can see your cute little snaggled toothed smile in the fresh waxed kitchen floor. You have a creative grandmother. You can’t expect me to be neat and keep up with everything else I do, like listening to the birds in the morning while I have my coffee. If you do, then perhaps it’s time to visit your little friend. Be careful on the fresh waxed floor at that house. You might fall and knock out another tooth. And tell the grandma to please give M. Stewart my best if she ever meets her.
If you don’t like my standards of cooking, then lower your standards. I will have dinner on the table as soon as I find the can opener. That’s a promise. Besides a clean kitchen is a sign of a wasted life and I do not intend to waste my life. I say that a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. My oven and refrigerator are downright delirious.
You will not be docked points on judgement day if you help me keep this kitchen clean by eating out. If you are broke and cannot afford half price hamburgers at the local greasy spoon, remember that countless people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to live quite normal lives. Drop down on your knees and give up thanks that there is a kitchen from which flows some kind of etible vittles, because when I remodel this room it will only have vending machines. And no, I do not intend to put silk flower swags on the soda pop machine.
Ring the bell on the foyer table for maid service. If no one answers, please feel free to ring again. If after the third ring, no one answers, do it yourself! Chances are the maid has ear plugs in and is outside getting her fingernails dirty in the flower beds or else is listening to country music while she writes one more chapter. Towels are probably in the dryer. Coffee mugs in the dishwasher. I do turn it on just before bedtime each night so yes, they are clean. Don’t ask me where the lid to the toothpaste is or how to put the toilet paper on the roller. When it is time to read my will you will find explicit directions on how to start the clothes dryer, the dishwasher and most important, how to replace toothpaste lids and how to master the art of putting paper on the roller.
From this day forth we will not utter or even think the H-word in this house. When we do decide to clean the house we pull the shades down so we don’t loose our reputation in the neighborhood.