Housework
should be listed amongst the one hundred dirtiest words to ever come out of a
person’s mouth. It should never be said out loud but whispered behind the hand
and with the eyes shifting around the room, making sure no one has heard such
foul language. If you’ll notice even those thick romance books that have hot and heavy scenes
in them that would fry the brain never use such a word. Women would ban the
book, burn it in the middle of the town square and gather in groves to march
upon the White House if a self-respecting romance author used that word in her
books. It’s so bad even censors wouldn’t think of giving it a movie rating. It’s
just plain not acceptable to mention it.
Since
it is a questionable word, I do declare that it should be unlawful to utter. And
furthermore, seeing as how it is a controversial activity we should avoid it if
at all possible. Not wanting to bring down the wrath upon my head for sinning,
I’ve adopted a writ of proclamation to each and every one who enters my front
door.
Be it
hereby understood that:
The
sofa is early attic. The chair is redneck garage sale and that chest in the
corner is a Goodwill reject. They are as comfortable as they are mismatched and
dusty. Rest assured Martha Stewart never ever lived in this house.
My
house was clean last week. I’m so sorry you missed it. You see, I clean house
every other day. Today is the other day. Tomorrow may be the other day also.
Yesterday was. And please know that it is alright to touch the dust on the
shelves. Feel free to express yourself artistically anyway you so desire.
However, if you date it, you will be ushered to the front door promptly. You may
go on down the street to the house with the cute little lattice work arbor.
They read all those fancy magazines about decorating and cooking and then they apply the knowledge. I read them in the doctor's office but just thinking of dusting all that "stuff" gives me hives.
So
this isn’t Home Sweet Home ... adjust!
It doesn’t matter if your friend’s grandma makes cookies every day and
you can see your cute little snaggled toothed smile in the fresh waxed kitchen
floor. You have a creative grandmother. You can’t expect me to be neat and keep up with everything else I do, like listening to the birds in the morning while I have my coffee. If
you do, then perhaps it’s time to visit your little friend. Be careful on the
fresh waxed floor at that house. You might fall and knock out another tooth. And tell the
grandma to please give M. Stewart my best if she ever meets her.
If
you don’t like my standards of cooking, then lower your standards. I will have
dinner on the table as soon as I find the can opener. That’s a promise. Besides
a clean kitchen is a sign of a wasted life and I do not intend to waste my
life. I say that a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. My oven and refrigerator
are downright delirious.
You
will not be docked points on judgement day if you help me keep this kitchen
clean by eating out. If you are broke and cannot afford half price
hamburgers at the local greasy spoon, remember that countless people have eaten
in this kitchen and gone on to live quite normal lives. Drop down on your knees
and give up thanks that there is a kitchen from which flows some kind of etible
vittles, because when I remodel this room it will only have vending machines.
And no, I do not intend to put silk flower swags on the soda pop machine.
Ring
the bell on the foyer table for maid service. If no one answers, please feel
free to ring again. If after the third ring, no one answers, do it yourself!
Chances are the maid has ear plugs in and is outside getting her fingernails
dirty in the flower beds or else is listening to country music while she writes one more chapter. Towels are probably in the dryer. Coffee mugs in the
dishwasher. I do turn it on just before bedtime each night so yes, they are
clean. Don’t ask me where the lid to the toothpaste is or how to put the toilet
paper on the roller. When it is time to read my will you will find explicit
directions on how to start the clothes dryer, the dishwasher and most
important, how to replace toothpaste lids and how to master the art of putting
paper on the roller.
From this day forth we will not utter or even think the H-word in this house. When we do decide to clean the house we pull the shades
down so we don’t loose our reputation in the neighborhood.
Love it Miss Carolyn! My Mom house was/is so clean that you could eat off the floor. But it was a warm, loving home. I have always had a much more relaxed way of doing things. There are books every where, and in every room. I wanted my daughter to grow up in a home where her friends could come bake cookies or cupcake, do crafts and all the other things that giggling girls do. Martha Stewart would not like my home.
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