Psychic Hot Line...

Have you ever had to sit on your hands to keep from calling one of those psychic hot line numbers? Especially on a bad day when Murphey’s Law prevailed and you sincerely hoped someone in this universe could give you some good news.

The advertisement looked inviting. Just pick up the phone and dial 900 and seven more numbers. Nothing to it.

But first, unless your pockets are lined with gold and your great uncle owns a diamond mine and you are his only survivor, you’d best read the fine print. That’s where you’ll find that the first call will automatically enroll you in the psychic hotline telephone service at only $9.95 per month. That entitles you to the enormous benefit of calling for only $3.95 per minute instead of the regular rate of $4.95 per minute. The monthly bill will be added to your telephone bill or your credit card bill and they can alternate without notification. It will be hidden on a page in cryptic code to preserve your privacy and it can never be understood so it is impossible to unsubscribe. There is a place to send a death certificate and that is guaranteed to remove the person from the list but no money will be refunded for months before the death certificate arrives.

However, if your little hands are still itching and you can’t talk them into washing dishes or folding clothing and you have to call then be prepared for a harsh reality check.

Number one: There will be no psychic on the line. They don’t pop right up and say, “Don’t tell me a thing. I know you have gray hair, green eyes and I can tell you within three pounds of how much you weigh. Your husband has been flirting a woman down at the local coffee shop but don’t worry, he’s only doing it to make her husband jealous so he’ll straighten his sorry butt up and be nice to her. Your husband is a wonderful person and a great opportunity is about to fall in your lap with your job.”

That is not what will happen.

Number two: They are all sitting back in a corner filing their fingernails and waiting for the preliminary process to complete. This involves a series of button pushing. Push one if you are high tempered. Push two if you are married. Push three if you are overweight. Push four if you are unemployed.

Number three: You’ve been on the line three minutes by now and you think you have finally gotten a real person but it turns out to be a recording. “Welcome to the Psychic Hotline. All of our personnel is busy right now but please stay on the line. We assure you that you are next in line. But first please answer a few more questions while you wait.”

Number four: This is when the real test begins. If you have been diagnosed with OCD, push four six times, stop and then push it another six times. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship; do not panic, we do not charge more per hour to talk to the captain of the ship. If you are getting angry, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

I pushed the pound button six times, waited thirty seconds and hit 3, 4, 5, and 6. The psychic finally came on the line and told me that my husband was a brilliant man who loved me, that my job would be all better come Monday morning and that my dogs probably needed some puppy therapy.

I was about to tell her that I didn’t have dogs when she hung up. I got all that for only $80.

After I threw the phone at the wall, I called the local funeral director and asked him to draw up a death certificate for me. So if you see my obit in the paper, don’t drag out your black suit. I’m not dead. I’m trying to get out of paying this ridiculous $9.95 a month.