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Y'all come on in!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Press One game!

Don’t you hate it when you are pressed for time but you make the phone call anyway and the recording answers? Thank you for calling our office. Press one for English. (Then there’s a string of what sounds like my Granny would wash my mouth out with soap for saying next and then the mechanical voice goes on.) We appreciate your call but all our personnel is busy at this time. Press two if you would like to talk to a representative. Don't hang up if you do. Your wait time is presently only three days past eternity. Press three to leave a message and we will return your call.

If they can do that to us then we should be able to return the favor, right? With that in mind, I counted the numbers on the phone and thought how nice it would be to program my answering machine to give them a taste of their own medicine when they finished eating those doughnuts and called me back.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We appreciate you returning our call. Before we answer the phone we would like for you to listen to the following menu. At any time you can hang up and call back if you forget what I said last. When you press the right button I will answer or if you hear a beep that means I’m not available after all and you can leave a message.

Press One if you are calling about the return process on the order I made last week for a dress that had enough X’s in the size that it should have fit someone other than a size three teenager.

Press two if you ate breakfast this morning.

Press three if you are eating or have chocolate within three feet of your hand.

Press four if it is raining in your world today.

Press five if you have shopped for a bathing suit in the last five years.

Press seven if your husband is outside flirting with the neighbor while you listen to this message.

Press eight if your windows have been washed in the past two years.

Press nine if you have a gallon of milk going sour in the refrigerator. 

Do not press the O for operator or your phone will disintegrate in your hands and the FBI, CSI, NCIS and maybe even the DGAD (that would be the Don’t Give a Damn people) will show up at your door and take away your phones, Internet service and all technical devices from your home. 

Thank you for calling. You can expect our return call within thirty days. If you have not heard from me in forty five days, please know that I have joined the DGAD. Have a nice day now and be sure to sniff that milk before you taste it. Oh, and I was joking about your husband and the neighbor so I hope you didn't break a leg running from the living room to the kitchen window to check on him. But it might be a smart idea to wash those windows so you can keep an eye on that hussy next door because she did shop for a bathing suit and she bought a bikini.
 

11 comments:

  1. I wish I could use this for an answering machine message when those annoying telemarketers call.

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    1. My sister loved, loved telemarketers. She would interrupt them, ask them when their birthday was and then start talking about their birth sign and ask if they'd like their chart read for which she would only charge THEM $50 which was a huge discount. They usually hung up on her!

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  2. I hate it when I call a American Company and their message starts off in a foreign language then switches to English tell me to press 1 for English.

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    1. Makes you want to crawl through the phone and kick them, doesn't it?

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  3. Thanks for the laugh! Unfortunately, though, this is all too true--with only a smidgen of exaggeration.

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    1. Life has to have that extra smidgen of exaggeration...it's the spice that puts a smile on our face! LOL

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  4. Very funny stuff, Carolyn! I enjoyed reading that....now you're giving me some ideas for my answering machine! I hate telemarketers which call frequently. Everyone has an angle to keep you listening, and why is it they always seem to call when you're just sitting down to eat your dinner? Linda Luinstra

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    1. Oh, yes, always right at dinner time!! They're sneaky that way!

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  5. I hate trying to call anyone this day and time. I use to get mad and just push the "0" repeatedly. I guess they figured that one out pretty fast. I threw my house phone in the garbage because of all the telemarketers calling. I never used it much anyway. I love my iPhone. I can BLOCK those suckers if they call it!

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    1. I can just see you chunking that phone in the trash can and giving it an evil eye! Like, ring again, sucker and I'll take a hammer to you! LOL!!!

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  6. Laughing while rolling on the floor Miss Brown. Too funny and all to true.

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