Giving the cat a pill!

The cat was ailing. Poor little helpless thing can barely hold his furry head up. He looks up with the most forlorn expression begging, just simply begging for help. A quick run to the vet’s office and back home with a bunch of pills, and the little darling is still lifeless.

Do what the instructions say and the poor little darlin' will hop right up and play with the catnip mouse. He will be forever indebted to me for saving his life. He will come when I yell, “Kitty, kitty,” instead of pretending to be deaf. All those crazy people who made the comment about folks owning dogs and feeding cats will be eating their words.

The instructions on the pill box said to pick up the cat, cradling it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Nothing to giving the cat a simple little pill. Anyone could do that standing on their head and cross-eyed. I picked up the lifeless cat and did just what they said. It did not work.

The following instructions were not written on the box.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take the cat into the bathroom so the space is smaller. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from potty and cat from top of refrigerator. How he got out that door is a mystery. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees while holding its front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Remember this is a house pet not a hungry lion. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from dry sink and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow down drinking straw.

It said blow, not suck on straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink two glasses of milk for an antidote and a liter of Dr. Pepper to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another Dr. Pepper ... just in case. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink Dr. Pepper. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloody and tattered tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring the fire department to retrieve the miserable cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into a fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little devil’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Take the miserable wild cat to the animal shelter. Pay them 50 bucks to keep him. Give them the instructions for the pills. See if they have a nice dog.

Ask for instructions on how to give a dog a pill. It says: How to Give A Dog A Pill:  Wrap it in bacon. Practice in the animal shelter before you leave. It works just fine. Fill out adoption papers which say in fine print at the bottom: you now own a dog and you never did own a cat to begin with.