First rule of marriage and probably should be written in the marriage vows said right there before family, friends, the preacher and God: Never send Husband to the grocery store without a list. And make him sign an affidavit in his own blood that he will not buy one thing that is not listed upon said list.
I found this out early on but alas, my vows did not say, “I promise to love, obey, respect and never allow new husband in the grocery store alone.”
Mr. B grumbled about having to go to the store but I had a monster headache and the pantry, refrigerator and cabinets were empty. He did, does and will probably always like to eat and since I could not drive with crossed eyes, there was nothing else for him to do but get in the car and go.
All I wanted was a loaf of bread, half a pound of cheese, mayonnaise, ham and two bags of chips. And at the last minute I added two cans of chicken noodle soup. That would get us through the night and then I could do some serious shopping the next day.
I made the list but I forgot to prick his finger and make him sign the paper in blood about anything not on the list. For that, I will take full responsibility for what happened next.
Two hours later he came home. I hoped that smile on his face said that he had ran into an old buddy in the bread aisle and they’d talked about their army days for the whole two hours.
Not so! He set two huge bags on the table and said he’d be back with the rest.
We lived in a second floor apartment. Cabinet space was limited and the refrigerator was small and when he got finished the whole table was full of brown paper bags. You couldn’t have taken a step from door to table without tripping over the last half dozen bags he brought up and my head ache was growing worse by the minute.
“I fixed it so neither of us has to go to the store for a long time.” He hung his coat on the back of a chair and pointed. “Bread was on sale so I bought twelve loaves. That should last a month, right?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to remind him how much he hated stale bread but I had not made him sign in blood so what could I say?
“Those two bags are full of bananas. I figure we’re good for more than a month on those. And that bag over there is full of apples. And darlin’, we’ve got ten pounds of bacon, three ten pound bags of potatoes and I love chicken and noodles so I bought five whole chickens.”
“Ham and cheese for sandwiches?” I asked.
You got it! He forgot two of the things on the list. My advice to new brides: Never send your new husband to the grocery store alone. Not even with a list if you haven’t made him bleed enough to sign his name. Even then you are taking one heck of a chance.