The Press One game!

Don’t you hate it when you are pressed for time but you make the phone call anyway and the recording answers? Thank you for calling our office. Press one for English. (Then there’s a string of what sounds like my Granny would wash my mouth out with soap for saying next and then the mechanical voice goes on.) We appreciate your call but all our personnel is busy at this time. Press two if you would like to talk to a representative. Don't hang up if you do. Your wait time is presently only three days past eternity. Press three to leave a message and we will return your call.

If they can do that to us then we should be able to return the favor, right? With that in mind, I counted the numbers on the phone and thought how nice it would be to program my answering machine to give them a taste of their own medicine when they finished eating those doughnuts and called me back.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We appreciate you returning our call. Before we answer the phone we would like for you to listen to the following menu. At any time you can hang up and call back if you forget what I said last. When you press the right button I will answer or if you hear a beep that means I’m not available after all and you can leave a message.

Press One if you are calling about the return process on the order I made last week for a dress that had enough X’s in the size that it should have fit someone other than a size three teenager.

Press two if you ate breakfast this morning.

Press three if you are eating or have chocolate within three feet of your hand.

Press four if it is raining in your world today.

Press five if you have shopped for a bathing suit in the last five years.

Press seven if your husband is outside flirting with the neighbor while you listen to this message.

Press eight if your windows have been washed in the past two years.

Press nine if you have a gallon of milk going sour in the refrigerator. 

Do not press the O for operator or your phone will disintegrate in your hands and the FBI, CSI, NCIS and maybe even the DGAD (that would be the Don’t Give a Damn people) will show up at your door and take away your phones, Internet service and all technical devices from your home. 

Thank you for calling. You can expect our return call within thirty days. If you have not heard from me in forty five days, please know that I have joined the DGAD. Have a nice day now and be sure to sniff that milk before you taste it. Oh, and I was joking about your husband and the neighbor so I hope you didn't break a leg running from the living room to the kitchen window to check on him. But it might be a smart idea to wash those windows so you can keep an eye on that hussy next door because she did shop for a bathing suit and she bought a bikini.