Five questions...

There are five questions that terrify the pants of all mankind. I’m talking about mankind as in the male gender, not in the business of the whole world which would include the female gender as well.

It surprised me that men were afraid of anything except dishes and losing the remote control. Just try asking your husband any one of the questions when he comes home tonight. Ask before he picks up the remote, which is a security blanket for most men. If they have it in their hand they don’t have to answer questions or be responsible for the answers they give. It’s like a pacifier for a baby. Give a baby a pacifier and he’s asleep in two minutes. Give a man the remote and he’s snoring in two minutes.

Question number one: “What are you thinking about?”

What he was really thinking about was one of the following: football, golf, how much weight you gained since Thanksgiving, how much prettier his secretary is than you are or how he’d spend the insurance money if you died.

But if he’s got two sane brain cells rubbing together in that space between his ears he will say, “I was thinking about what a wonder wife and mother you are and how lucky I am to have you in my life, darlin’.”

Question number two: “Do you love me?”

Wrong answers are: Would it make you feel better if I said yes? Define love. Does it matter? Any one of those answers and he will find his pork chop tacked to the garage door and his sweet tea in the dog bowl when he comes home for supper that night.

Right answer: “Of course I love you to the moon and back.”

Question number three: “Do I look fat?”

Wrong answers: Compared to what? I would call you fat, but you aren’t exactly model material. A little extra weight looks good on you. I’ve seen fatter women. You could loose twenty pounds. Those answers will land him in the dog house for eternity plus three days. He’d better forget how he’d spend the life insurance and prepare to be drop kicked to the Pearly Gates.

The right answer would be: “Of course not!”

Question number four: “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

Wrong answers: Yes, but you have a better personality. Define pretty. Not as pretty as you when you were her age. One of these answers will get him drop kicked to a place where he’d better remember to pack lots of sun block.

Right answer would be: “Of course not, darlin’. No one is prettier than you are.”

And the final question: “What would you do if I died?”

Wrong answers: Buy a new Cadillac. Get married again within six months. Move back in with my mother who cooks better than you do anyway.

Right answer: I would wallow in sorrow until I was old and gray. I would never marry again and I’d keep my wedding band on until the day I die.

Five questions that can make or break a marriage. Study them, fellers, and remember the right answers, especially if the couch has lumps or springs that stick up through the cushions. And remember that the dog house is not air conditioned.