MONDAY!!

When the committee that makes important decisions met to which day of the week would be the “bad” day, they chose the first day of the work week. I suppose their thinking was that we might as well get it over with rather than dread a day in the middle of the week or worse yet, ruin the weekend. 

So now Monday is our day when nothing goes right and everything will definitely go wrong. Murphy’s law states that if anything can go wrong it will. Without a doubt Mr. Murphy was born on Monday, lost his first girlfriend on Monday, got his whole paycheck stolen on Monday and every other horrible thing in his life happened on Monday. 

That’s the day when the electricity was off, the alarm didn’t ring but the cell phone still works, so the in-laws call and say they will be over in ten minutes because we had a gas cook stove and they are hungry. What time is breakfast? 

It’s when the toilet paper falls into a full bathtub. Just before it sinks completely to the bottom of the tub, a fuzzy black spider crawls out from inside the roller. Can’t swat the thing in a tub of water, can’t shoot it and the thing knows how to walk on bubbles. 

When a six foot pile of dirty dishes beside the sink tumbles onto the floor and none of them break. That means picking up every dirty dish and wash them. It would have been so easy to sweep them all up into the dust pan and trash them. 

I’ve been giving Monday some serious thought and have come up with a list of tips. 

Never cook supper on Monday. It will burn and you can’t go out or order take out either. You will get botulism or some other dread disease. It’s a wonderful day to fast on bottled water and diet soda pop. 

Do not gossip on Monday. Unplug the phone and don’t answer the door. If you even listen with one ear it will backfire and by night there will be a riot that will rival the Hatfields and McCoys. And all because of a rumor someone that got started about Josie Mae’s new baby looking like a miniature Alfred Hitchcock...and everyone pointed a finger straight at you. 

Do not do housework. There are more spiders in the house on Monday than any other day and mice hid in every corner. Check the hospital records and you might find there are more heart attacks from fear on Monday than any other day of the week. Housework will wait until Tuesday when all the spiders and mice have left the house.

Remember, hang onto your sanity. After midnight things will get better. Tuesday is the ho-hum day on the calendar. Ask any retailer. Not much goes on that day.

Garfield says that Mondays are the lint balls in the washing machine of life. I’m inclined to believe that we should frame an award for that crazy orange cat and pull out the red carpet for him.

So since today is Monday, turn off the phones, do not do housework or cook. It’s a good day to grab a book and read all day while you sip on that diet soda pop!