Installing Software...

I got a lesson in in installing software on the computer last week and guess who isn't nearly as full of cyber-wisdom as she thought? After a few hours of creative cussing, I finally figured out that it was not simple nor was it a three step plan...find it, pay for it, install it.

No, sir! It was a 12 step plan and it went like this:

One: There will be a little box with print so tiny inside that a gnat probably wrote it. It will give you the System Requirements and will read something like this: 2386 processor or higher, 1500 megahertz modem, 8MB free disk space, antilock braking system, six rams and two turtle doves.

Two: Open the packaging and remove the manual which is written in three languages. One is English, or so they say, but you can't understand the words anyway, so throw the whole manual I the trash with yesterday's potato peelings, the coffee grounds from that morning and three slightly licked lollipops.

Three: Find the actual software which will be in the form of a code which you plug into the computer and the first thing you will see is a Licensing Agreement: By breaking this seal you are hereinafter agreeing to abide by all the terms and conditions which no one ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention, the UN Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and the local Boy scout Rules and Creed and the rules and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate including the right to come into the user's house to examine the user's hard drive, the refrigerator and pantry, as well as the user's underwear drawer and under the beds, take it or leave it, til death do us part, one nation indivisible, thanks you've been a great crowd, say your prayers and don't forget to tip your waiter.

Four: Hand the software to a child--relative, neighbor or one you have dragged in from the sidewalk: age three to twelve, and with the promise of a ten dollar bill say: "You sweet little darlin', see that stuff on the screen? Install it into my computer."

Five: If you can't find a child or if the only one in your family can not leave the game he/she is playing on their smart phone, then type "SETUP" and hit the enter key.

Six: Ooops! Before doing step five, turn on the computer.

Seven: When it flashes a message saying that you've done something wrong, offer the child twenty dollars to leave his phone game.

Eight: After you pay the kid and he has started the installation this will pop up on your computer: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it completely inoperable. There's something about how the motor will blow up if there's not enough rams or turtle doves and that if you have not read the manual, you should do so before hitting the proceed button. Since the manual is now under coffee grounds and lollipops with cat hair and dust bunnies stuck to them, the only thing to do is hit the OK button, cross your fingers and say a silent prayer.

Nine: Grinding, whirring and other such noises will start. You will wonder if this installation process is actually altering molecular structures and that when it's all said and done, your computer will suddenly turn into a food processor which will have buttons that say, "Puree.wha.com" or "fectuous.exe" or "doo.ira.com."

Ten: When this is finished a new screen will flash: Congratulations you have successfully installed the software. If you experience any problems such as electrical shocks when you type, hair loss, blindness, weight gain, insomnia or intestinal parasites, you should type in the following code: 457*&^(235)%$#+ and run for cover.

Eleven: At this point your computer is slower than ever and it refuses to recognize the Control Alternate Delete function. It no longer understands creative cussing. It hates the kid that now has all your money and won't do anything for him/her and the new software program puts up a smiley face with devil's horns when you try to access it.

Twelve: Immediately call the Technical Support Hotline number listed on the last page of the manual which you will drag out from the trash. Thank goodness, the number is on the backside and only a couple of potato peelings touched it. Put phone on speaker because you are caller number 1,367 but don't hang up. Your representative will be with you within the week. Fourteen hours later when you finally get someone on the phone, she will tell you barely have enough rams and turtle doves, to buy a new computer with more gigabites (that has nothing to do with chocolate) and to reinstall the software after you've read the manual for the new computer and the software!