The One with Classes for Husbands...

Do you have a romantic husband?

Does he pay you compliments at least twice a week?

Does he remember your birthday and anniversary every single year?

Do you have a birthday coming up soon?

If you answered yes to the first three questions, go wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him—long, hard and lingering. Then drop down on your knees and give thanks that whatever force you believe in gave him to you.

If you answered no to any of the first three questions and yes to the fourth one, then read on, sister.

For all unromantic husbands, we wives have banded together and will be offering classes at the local high school. In lieu of a birthday present, you will take the classes and when you complete them you will be given a certificate and a cute little birthday card to take home to your wife. Wives will hang the certificate in a place where everyone can see her present. If the husband fails to learn from the classes the wife can send him back for refresher courses which will be held once a month. That is written in the small print on the contract that you will sign before the free classes. Yes, free! That means you don’t have to shop, buy your wife a single thing and you even get a card for free. So what are you waiting for?

A minimum of IQ points are required so a simple test will be given immediately before the test. No drinking before class. Classes are graded by stars—one through five with one being the easiest and five the most difficult. Some five star classes require an IQ of at least two digits.

TRASH CLASS: 3 STAR CLASS. Requires dexterity and thinking. Instructions include how to take out the trash and then sweep around the trash can, spray cleaner on the wall behind the trash can, put a new liner in the trash can and put what you swept into the trash can instead of leaving it in a pile in the corner.

HOUSE WORK FOR MEN: 5 STAR CLASS. Difficult buy not impossible. Involves minor things like how to spray lemon oil on a cloth and wipe dust away from shelves and coffee table. Major things like how to plug in and turn on the vacuum cleaner and run it over the carpet and how to wring out a mop. It may contain hazardous spray to the delicate male nasal passages so disposable masks will be provided.

REASONS TO GIVE FLOWERS WHEN IT IS NOT A HOLIDAY. 2 STAR CLASS. Group discussion will be held concerning sending your wife a rose on the day you met her. Surely you can remember that day—believe me, she does! Or maybe sending a carnation or a daisy in a vase with a sweet note attached thanking her for the nice breakfast that she made you at four thirty before you went hunting. A separate class will be held after hours for those who do not know how to write a note.

HOW TO PUT THE TOILET LID DOWN: 1 STAR CLASS. Techniques of how to put down the lid with the final test being if the husband can master the trick in the dark. It also teaches you not to get angry when the wife falls into the water and gets up screaming for a towel and a divorce lawyer.

THE VICTORIA’S SECRET CLASS: 2 STAR CLASS. Some attention and understanding of the female race required. This is a crash course on why most wives do not feel comfortable in thong bikinis—not even those with little velvet bows at the top of her fanny crack. Group discussion will concern buying practical sleepwear as opposed to all those cute slinky things which already take up three drawers in the dresser (which will be very embarrassing if both parties die the same day and the children find all those things when they clean out the dresser so they can sell it).

WASHER METHODOLOGY: 5 STAR CLASS. This is a very advanced class and very few men have ever passed it. It involves knowing which way to turn the dial and how to shut the dryer door. It also deals with which clothing can be washed together and how to separate the laundry. It discusses silks, searching pockets, fabric softeners, bleach and even folding techniques. Not for the impatient or ADH (Attention Deficient Husbands whose minds keep going back to what day it was when he met his wife).

HOW TO FILL AN ICE TRAY AND THROW AWAY EMPTY JELLY JARS: 1 STAR CLASS. Anyone can pass this and have a certificate to bring home for the wife’s birthday with pride.

We wives await our certificates with great anticipation and have already bought a frame—they were on half price at the craft store this week!