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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Sweet Tea and Shoes

Southern women love shoes. It's part of our DNA and we've been known to buy the shoes first, then go lookin' for the outfit to go with them. After all, one cannot have a pair of gorgeous zebra print high heels and not have a single thing to go with them.

I remember my first pair of heels. I begged Mama until she finally gave in and let me use my baby sitting money to order them from the Bellas Hess Catalog. They were shiny black with little bows on the toes and Queen Anne heels which were only one inch high. My brother told me I looked like a duck with ingrown toe nails as I learned to walk in them. My sister couldn't wait four more years until she could have her own pair and my mother told me that I was starting something I would regret.

With knees that sound like popcorn doing its thing in the microwave these days, I will have to admit, Mama was right!! Some folks might blame knee surgeries on high heeled shoes but not me. They might have caused the problems but what instigated the whole mess boils down to that chart on the doctor's office.

Y'all know the one I'm talkin' about! It hangs right there for us ladies to study while we are waiting on the doctor to finally come on in our room. You look down the side and find your height then carefully (don't jump a line) go across to your ideal weight.

Yes, ma'am! That chart is the culprit. It didn't take long to figure out that if I was only a few inches taller, I would not be overweight. I did not need to diet. I needed higher heels. That meant I could go shopping as soon as the doctor's visit was over.

It worked for a few years but then suddenly, the shoe folks didn't make six inch heels. I needed stilts if I was going to be all right with that chart. I needed to be six feet two, not five feet two to be classified in the slightly overweight division.

Time to think outside the box...quite literally since that little box with the number in it was my guide. If I couldn't buy the shoes high enough and my knees were hurting, it was time to go back to flats or better yet go barefoot. I liked the latter even better than flats so I figured out a solution to that danged chart. I took my glasses off the next time I was in the doctor's office.

Could not see the chart therefore it did not control my life!

I'm safe until they get one of those horrible gadgets on the exam table that weighs a person, sends the information to the chart and gives it a voice. If it ever says, "Carolyn Brown, if you give up potatoes fried in bacon grease and never eat another Snicker bar for the rest of your life, you might be able to wear those one inch heels and be only mildly obese."

That is the day I intend to set fire to the chart. There is bail money hidden in a tin can under the frog statue in the back yard. Y'all get it and come bail me out! And bring me some real sweet tea. That stuff in the jail is the kind they make from powder and any self respecting woman standing up for her rights against a lying chart would gag on it.

20 comments:

  1. Omg!!! Lmbo!! You are too funny. I definitely need some seriously high heels to make that dang bmi chart put me in the average category. That chart should be set on fire and I will help you do it. Thanks for the laugh :)

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  2. I was skinny my whole life until I got divorced and going through that started smoking and then quit cold turkey when I met Tom and gained a bunch of weight having 3 babies in 5 yrs in late and early thirties, 20 lbs each pregnancy at least so I now have a lot to lose and am amazed at how hard it is over 40 to lose even a pound. My hubby is a gourmet chef and my hips attest to that fact but then again, I now cook much the same way at times and I bake when stressed which thankfully isn't too often. I do want to lose for health reasons and energy. I want to also fit into clothes better. I hate many of the Plus size stores. The clothes are awful and make me want to join a nudist camp. I have a few bins of clothes I hope to shrink down a size or two and fit into them but I've had the bins for years so maybe it won't happen. I actually have family and friends who criticize my weight gain all in the guise of being concerned and they lecture me about food, exercise, etc. That pisses me off big time. I say they have fat eyes and see things that way. Burn the charts and maybe the fashion rules from most magazines. Real life comes without air brushing though.

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  3. Sorry, not enough coffee, I had my last 3 kids in late thirties and early forties.

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  4. I loved getting my first patent leather heels. Mine even had a strap I could slide back behind the heel so I could look grown up. Walking across the floor in my first real high heels had mama covering her eyes and shaking her head while mumbling something about pastures and cows.

    Mama was big on walking like a lady with heels on. We're talking books on the head and gliding across the floor and not looking like I was stomping ants (which I also loathe) to death. Ever watch Miss Congeniality? Yeah. I learned to walk like that including the less graceful stumbles.

    That chart and the words mildly obsese...hated it.

    I've kept a couple of pairs of those lovely 3 inch heels--hubs gives me grief on keeping decorations in the closet. I can't wear them, but oh, I love them. These days, I can get away with 2 inches--for a short time. Which reminds me, I need new shoes. Something pretty and feminine.

    And flat. Dammit.

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  5. Loved getting those first high heels and through the years have enjoyed wearing something that makes me feel graceful - blessed to have a 'beautiful tall girl' in my granddaughter that has not desire to carry on the tradition of high heels! Love you sweet friend, Rhonda Sue

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  6. LOL! Too Funny! I gave up on high heels a long time ago...

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  7. I am tall & the chart still doesn't work!

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  8. What a great way to start my day!!! I can so relate. Now, at 70 with Titanium knees, I just have to rely on my fond memories of those shoes that looked so good.
    Last year when I had my oncology check-up, my lab report showed normal in 44 out of 45 things. The only abnormality was my BMI. I think we ladies should unite, find the sadist who came up with this theory, and hang him!!

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  9. That's awesome - because it's true!!

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  10. You are cracking me up this morning!!! As a southern woman I've got your back, I love my shoes but I wear my cowboy boots most of the time now of days!! I will sneak in that real tea for ya ma'am!!😊😊😊

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  11. I hate heels even though I am only 5'0"...I work in EMS so I wear work boots...They are nice shoes though

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  12. Love, love all your comments! Y'all are making me laugh. We could burn the chart together and have a great time in jail if we could get someone's granny to keep us supplied with decent sweet tea!

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  13. Hahaha. carol you always seem to hit the nail on the head!!!! Ever thought about stand up comedy???

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  14. You did it again! I least this time I stayed off the floor! I remember my first pair of shoes with heels, I was around 12. For Easter, pretty dress with matching coat, hat, gloves, purse and heels! I was grown! I wore heels for years. Now they would just plain kill me! But, I am going to do something about this weight. I need to get as healthly as I can, so I can enjoy life.

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  15. In the mid 80's I threw a fit to have a pair of Candies! I was in high school and mom finally bought me a pair. Boy was I in high cotton when I walk in school that day. Lord have mercy my feet hurt for a week. I don't think I ever wore them again! Like I said before, I'll die in my cowboy boots. At least I'll be comfortable.

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  16. So funny Carolyn. I know they must cause some damage somewhere. They are making them so high women are walking on their toes. Crazy! Sure enjoy your post. Thanks for some laughs. Maxie Anderson > mac262(at0me(dot)com <

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