Y'all come on in!

Y'all come on in!

Monday, February 23, 2015

A Little Sweet Tea and Sass

 
FEBRUARY 23

I'm entering a brand new world but hey, I figure with a pint of sweet tea and a healthy dose of southern sass, I can do this. So sit back in your chair and we'll visit. Some days it might be something that made me giggle, or a recipe one of you've asked for, or something that brought tears to my eyes or I might even get out my snake oil wagon and go to speechifyin' about my newest book. But I guarantee we'll visit about something every day or two.

For about 14 years I wrote a weekly column for a local newspaper and last week on my FB I got the bright idea to rerun some of those. Then Awesome Agent suggested I do it in the form of a blog instead so here we are...opening another door in my writing world. Comments will be appreciated greatly and I do promise once a week there will be a giveaway of some kind so come back often and be sure to comment because that's where I will get the names to go into the famous red boot.

So hand me the sweet tea and let's talk about fashion today.

I am not a clothes horse. Give me a well-worn comfortable sweat shirt for winter, a tee shirt for summer, and something to put on the bottom to keep me out of jail for indecent exposure and I’m a happy camper.
However, I’d gotten tired of going to the closet and finding nothing. The time had come to think about shopping. I hate to shop. I hate to try on clothing even worse. My self-image and mirror-image go to war with each other. There’s no truce. No mediators and definitely no winning for either side.
Then the editors of one of the magazines that come to my house solved the dilemna for me. I picked it up and right there on the front amongst the headlines for the most “Divine Desserts,” and “Cheap Dream Houses” was “Spring’s 5 Hottest New Fashion Trends.”
Surely with only five new fashion trends I could find something I could live with and purchase one in each color. I grabbed a candy bar and a glass of sweet tea and sat down to view the hottest new things in style.

Number one: geometric prints. Four designers represented. Four looks. One for casual. One for work. One for evening and I’m not so sure where the other fit in. If we still had outhouses, I’d maybe think it would do for a trip to that place. I tried to imagine my short, square body in leggings in bright red, yellow and hot pink geometric print. My split personality images both snarled their noses. I would definitely look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy turned over the paint cans out in the garage.

Number two: the suit. Jacket. Skirt or pants. Blouse. Right? Nope, Mr. Klein and Ungaro just left off the blouse. When I checked the price tag for the two pieces I could surely see why. Valentino added a blouse to his collection. Made of sheer material, cut down to the waist and edged in lace. Looked wonderful on the model. Would have cost me court costs and a two week vacation in the county jail. There wasn’t enough material in that blouse to flag a freight train, let alone cover up over sixty years accumulation of fat cells.

Number three: black and white. Surely this was going to be my calling. At least the black part. I can’t wear white. I have grandchildren in the double digits and besides I’m not known for grace above and beyond the call of duty. Anything white is only that color for a little while if I wear it. But the black, I could certainly do the hottest new fashions in black. No problem. Right? Wrong! Black and white horizonal stripes and stringy little black, high heeled sandals. The day I wore that get up, is the very day they’d have those hound dogs out hunting down a violent criminal. The canines would see me stripes walking down Main Street and go to baying. I’d be trying to outrun them in those shoes and break my fool neck.

Number four: military. I’ve got the attitude. Ask my grandchildren. But there was something about that tie up around my neck ... just choked me looking at it. I’ve always been grateful about being a woman so I don’t have to wear a tie, or learn to tie one either.  Besides I bet every one of those skirts have a waistband and zipper. Probably even a button to bite into that special little parcel of fat I keep at waist level. Nope, Gucci was going to have to appeal to the thinner women who always wanted to grow up to be a drill sergeant.

Number five: the wrap. By now, I was getting worried. But then there was a whole page of cute little wrap around dresses. Looked somewhat like a kimino robe. Said it was fuss free and looked good on everyone. I’d found my hot new style. I would order five of them in different patterns and my closet would be full again.

Guess who looks like Archie Bunker’s wife in a wrap around dress. I kept expecting my voice to raise six octaves and to start calling Husband to the supper table with a New York accent. I sent them all back and didn’t even moan about the return postage. I did think about writing them a stinging letter about how their famous wrap did not look good on everyone. Then I realized there was a bit of small print. Looks good on everyone who is the same size as the models in the pictures.

So much for the five hottest new fashions. I made a new list. Five tee shirts and something to go with them to keep me out of jail. And the magazine with all that false advertisement went straight to the trash can!

Until next time y'all keep sippin' that sweet tea!
 
 


34 comments:

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    1. How exciting that you are my very first person to comment on my brand spanking new blog. Come back often and see what soap box I've crawled up on for that day! Big hugs to you!

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  3. I love that you just go for it!! This is fabulous. From you #1 fan!

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    1. Takes an AWESOME AGENT to kick me in the fanny to get me started...THANK YOU!!!

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  4. Too bad I can't edit myself. YOUR #1 fan! ;-)

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  5. I gave up & stick with my jeans. I am not a clothes horse. Love your backs. I found that I somehow missed some on your backlist & am taking care of that.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading my books! As my daughter says, "Spandex is not our friend, Mama."

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    2. I know exactly how you feel. When I find something that fits I grab a few of them in several colors. Elastic has always been my friend.

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    3. Yes, ma'am...elastic and something that does not touch me!

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  6. I love your sense of humor, Carolyn. You make me giggle. I'll be hanging out here every week to check out your posts. This is great!

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  7. I love your sense of humor, Carolyn. You make me giggle. I'll be hanging out here every week to check out your posts. This is great!

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  8. I love all of your books. My favorite is "How to Marry a Cowboy" I can't wait for each of the new books to come out.

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    1. Thank you Patricia! Those twins stole my heart when I was writing about them.

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    2. Since I have read all of your books I started on your husbands books this week. lol

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    3. I will tell him...that will make his day!

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  9. I can so relate. that shirt, or skirt or dress looks adorable on the manequin but if I'm lucky enough to find it in my size, which isn't often, it makes me look like someone stuffed me into a sack.

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    1. Oh, yes, ma'am! Exactly what I was feeling that day in those cute little wrap around dresses!

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  10. I totally agree Carolyn! I'm a jeans t-shirt and cowboy boots country girl. My husband took me shopping because I needed some nice clothes to wear. Oh boy! He has no taste at all! I wound up buying the shirts( aka blouses) he wanted. Guess what? They are still hanging in my closet. I asked him where am I suppose to wear these? I drive a school bus, come home and head to the barn to feed and shovel horse shit, I then clean house and maybe go to Walmart, then I go back for my afternoon route in my school bus, then I go back to the barn after I cook supper. I guess I can wear that long sweater coat to keep my arse warm! Lol I'm not a shopper and I don't like fancy restaurants( except my anniversary). So no I don't dress up, just give me my jeans and boots and im a happy camper. For a girl that asks for a wheelbarrow for Christmas, you'd think after 33 years together, I'm not a fancy girl and imdint like frilly things. By the way I love the new blog

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    1. I tend to wear the same few outfits and really could literally live out of a suitcase all the time. I should clear out my closet and dresser drawers and create some space for other things. In the summer I pack the equivalent of a carry on bag and wear the few outfits all summer long at the trailer on the farm. I never get tired of the few outfits and love the simplicity and ease of choice. I mostly wear either my stretch jeans or casual pants in the winter or long shorts and clam diggers in the summer with either a long sleeve shirt, sweater or a t-shirt. I even wear this stuff to church since our church is more casual in dress and there's no "code" unless you sing in the choir or play in the bands or orchestra. I do tend to wear make-up and have my hair styled each day. I loved your comment Kim and your down to earth style. Carolyn, love this blog and will be a loyal follower of it. You are, as always, a riot. Love you and your raw honesty and side-splitting humour. xo

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    2. You are a lady after my own heart, Miz Liz! Thank you for the compliments! As I get older, I find that I'm just plain old me more and more!

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  11. Amen, Kim. I'm the girl who got a BB gun for Mother's Day one year because there was this big dog chasing my kittens!

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    1. I got a crockpot, tools, tablet with Kindle, kitchen stuff for Christmas. For my anniversary I asked hubby to wash and clean the van inside out and toss the trash from it.

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    2. Lovely presents! I told my kids a few years ago that if I couldn't use it up in a year or eat in a week or wear it out by the next year, then they were not to buy it for me for occasions. They have obeyed fairly well!

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  12. Oh, I hear you on this. And I hate shopping!

    I have a closet full of 'professional' clothes I no longer need to wear, since I work from home.and my legs cramp up just looking at all the heels that went with them. I'm not particularly fond of most of the hot trends out there.

    I've decided that in the winter pretty flannel pants and coordinating long sleeve Ts, sweatshirts or sweaters if it's really cold is perfect for me. I feel pretty and those wool army socks keep my feet warm, lol! Summer brings out similar outfits only lighter. I have a few long skirts to wear with T's. I have a few pairs of nice slacks and a few pairs of jeans for when have to leave home. I'm all about comfort.

    Thanks for the giggles.

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

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    1. High heels and my knees do not work well together...oh, that gives me a wonderful idea for today's blog...thank you, Sia!

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    2. My knees loath heels, too. I love pretty shoes. Glad I sparked an idea. :-)

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  13. I've always enjoyed your columns in the paper, I am looking forward to your blogs!!

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  14. Carolyn, your books have made me laugh and cry. This blog most had me rolling on the floor both laughing and crying and not just because now that I was down, I couldn't get up! I HATE CLOTHES SHOPPING! What should have been a wonderful time looking for a dress for my daughter wedding was a nightmare. Every time we went to look I came home crying and by the time I found one, the sales people were crying because they didn't have to deal with me any more. I just know your blog is going to be the highlight of my day!

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