A Little Sweet Tea and Sass

 

FEBRUARY 23

I'm entering a brand new world but hey, I figure with a pint of sweet tea and a healthy dose of southern sass, I can do this. So sit back in your chair and we'll visit. Some days it might be something that made me giggle, or a recipe one of you've asked for, or something that brought tears to my eyes or I might even get out my snake oil wagon and go to speechifyin' about my newest book. But I guarantee we'll visit about something every day or two.

For about 14 years I wrote a weekly column for a local newspaper and last week on my FB I got the bright idea to rerun some of those. Then Awesome Agent suggested I do it in the form of a blog instead so here we are...opening another door in my writing world. Comments will be appreciated greatly and I do promise once a week there will be a giveaway of some kind so come back often and be sure to comment because that's where I will get the names to go into the famous red boot.

So hand me the sweet tea and let's talk about fashion today.

I am not a clothes horse. Give me a well-worn comfortable sweat shirt for winter, a tee shirt for summer, and something to put on the bottom to keep me out of jail for indecent exposure and I’m a happy camper.
However, I’d gotten tired of going to the closet and finding nothing. The time had come to think about shopping. I hate to shop. I hate to try on clothing even worse. My self-image and mirror-image go to war with each other. There’s no truce. No mediators and definitely no winning for either side.
Then the editors of one of the magazines that come to my house solved the dilemna for me. I picked it up and right there on the front amongst the headlines for the most “Divine Desserts,” and “Cheap Dream Houses” was “Spring’s 5 Hottest New Fashion Trends.”
Surely with only five new fashion trends I could find something I could live with and purchase one in each color. I grabbed a candy bar and a glass of sweet tea and sat down to view the hottest new things in style.

Number one: geometric prints. Four designers represented. Four looks. One for casual. One for work. One for evening and I’m not so sure where the other fit in. If we still had outhouses, I’d maybe think it would do for a trip to that place. I tried to imagine my short, square body in leggings in bright red, yellow and hot pink geometric print. My split personality images both snarled their noses. I would definitely look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy turned over the paint cans out in the garage.

Number two: the suit. Jacket. Skirt or pants. Blouse. Right? Nope, Mr. Klein and Ungaro just left off the blouse. When I checked the price tag for the two pieces I could surely see why. Valentino added a blouse to his collection. Made of sheer material, cut down to the waist and edged in lace. Looked wonderful on the model. Would have cost me court costs and a two week vacation in the county jail. There wasn’t enough material in that blouse to flag a freight train, let alone cover up over sixty years accumulation of fat cells.

Number three: black and white. Surely this was going to be my calling. At least the black part. I can’t wear white. I have grandchildren in the double digits and besides I’m not known for grace above and beyond the call of duty. Anything white is only that color for a little while if I wear it. But the black, I could certainly do the hottest new fashions in black. No problem. Right? Wrong! Black and white horizonal stripes and stringy little black, high heeled sandals. The day I wore that get up, is the very day they’d have those hound dogs out hunting down a violent criminal. The canines would see me stripes walking down Main Street and go to baying. I’d be trying to outrun them in those shoes and break my fool neck.

Number four: military. I’ve got the attitude. Ask my grandchildren. But there was something about that tie up around my neck ... just choked me looking at it. I’ve always been grateful about being a woman so I don’t have to wear a tie, or learn to tie one either.  Besides I bet every one of those skirts have a waistband and zipper. Probably even a button to bite into that special little parcel of fat I keep at waist level. Nope, Gucci was going to have to appeal to the thinner women who always wanted to grow up to be a drill sergeant.

Number five: the wrap. By now, I was getting worried. But then there was a whole page of cute little wrap around dresses. Looked somewhat like a kimino robe. Said it was fuss free and looked good on everyone. I’d found my hot new style. I would order five of them in different patterns and my closet would be full again.

Guess who looks like Archie Bunker’s wife in a wrap around dress. I kept expecting my voice to raise six octaves and to start calling Husband to the supper table with a New York accent. I sent them all back and didn’t even moan about the return postage. I did think about writing them a stinging letter about how their famous wrap did not look good on everyone. Then I realized there was a bit of small print. Looks good on everyone who is the same size as the models in the pictures.

So much for the five hottest new fashions. I made a new list. Five tee shirts and something to go with them to keep me out of jail. And the magazine with all that false advertisement went straight to the trash can!

Until next time y'all keep sippin' that sweet tea!