Everyone is always looking for new and ingenious ways to generate some of that green paper with dead president's pictures on it.
After reading in a health magazine a while back that fat cells are very important to the human body because they carry vitamins, I have come up with an excellent idea.
All this time fat cells have been "the bad boys" because we thought those lazy little critters were created when we were lying back in our recliners eating corn chips and bean dip while watching reruns of Justified.
Now we find out that they've been working their little hearts away carrying vitamins all these years. Why, they are almost as productive as all that muscle tissue--that stuff that we go to the gym every day where we sweat over wicked machinery in hopes to produce.
I suppose now that they have been declared an important part of our life system, they will form a union, expect pay raises and appeal to the human rights organizations. If we commit murder upon them in an inhumane way (see the business about the gym above) or if we try to starve them they'll go public and broadcast pictures of themselves to shame us.
They might even carry a political voice in the White House. They could carry enough weight to sway international decisions when they begin to lobby for equality with muscle tissue.
Before long the folks who have the most fat cells will have a federal exemption on their income taxes. It will all be government regulated of course and they'll be held in the highest regard as folks read the nutritional charts to make more of them instead of less.
They used to be a minority but have become a majority since they now carry those vitamins around to the rest of our bodies and I intend to cash in on this before someone else thinks of the idea. I'm going to make my first million by advertising the fact that they do carry vitamins and how important they are to my body. Maybe a billboard or two would be good and a television ad! Are you tired and sluggish. Throw away those energy drinks and fix the problem permanently.
I'm not sure what a molecule of vitamins weighs. It can force the poor little fat cell to grunt and groan and hold its side in agony. Or it an weigh so little that the cell skips along humming it's favorite tune. But I can tell you one thing, I've apologized for the times I tried to assassinate them.
Here's my marketing strategy.
Those poor little folks who can not put on weight no matter how hard they try need someone to carry their vitamins if they expect to reach the rocking chair age. Right? Yep, I hear y'all sayin', "Amen!" out there. So I'm going to rent my fat cells to those poor souls who are lacking in the vitamin carrying gold mine so they'll have cellulites to carry those vitamins to their vital organs. A million cells for two weeks to that little lady who looks fabulous in a bikini and a million to the lady who's britches are falling off her bony butt. Yes, there are still more in my warehouse but two weeks is the limit of the rental so that I can help other poor souls. Once you feel the effects of proper vitaminazation you will be anxious to start your own cellulite farm. They are a joy to grow and produce at a rapid speed.
My book on what to eat to make your own fat cells is in the planning. Until then get rid of that tired feeling and toss those diet books in the trash!